“When I finally finish this project, I will relax.” I must have told myself this a thousand times, only for the next project to sneak its way in without me looking. Life can perpetually feel like it’s almost sorted, only for the finish line to keep moving.
Author Oliver Burkeman calls this the when-I-finally mindset, and he urges us to let it go. Pointing out that an average human life is only 4000 weeks long, he argues that the only way to achieve the calm we’re after is to face our limitations. We have to acknowledge that we’re never going to do it all, and life does not start when everything is sorted. Life is now—this is it.
I buy it. But putting it into practice is difficult, especially in the context of work. It seems impossible to accept things as they are and be productive at a job. If the definition of work is to achieve something that hasn’t been achieved yet, the when-I-finally mindset is baked in. In some sense, it’s even baked into the economy at large. Striving for an ever-growing GDP, there is no concept of enough.
This might lead us to conclude that work is bound to be stressful and that our only hope is to fight for more leisure. Groups like Autonomy make compelling arguments for a four-day workweek, and I applaud the effort. Four days of stressful work is definitely better than five. But four days of fulfilling work would take the cake. How do we do that?
insights from an unexpected source
As weird as it sounds, I found a helpful clue in Mark Manson’s book on how to get girls. I have never been interested in getting girls, but I was curious how guys think about it, and I don’t mind a slightly embarrassing read.
If you want a woman to like you, Manson explains, there’s one thing you need to do, and it’s a bit counter-intuitive: You have to make sure that you don’t want her to like you that badly. You can’t be needy. We are drawn to the person who is comfortable in their own skin and who can handle rejection. Not to the person who contorts themselves just to be liked.
It sounds obvious, probably because it’s true. But putting it into practice is not that easy. Much of dating life involves a fake display of non-neediness; slow replies on text, lots of acting aloof. This is annoying but understandable. Truly being non-needy, as opposed to acting like it, takes strength. It requires that we approve of ourselves just as we are, before anyone likes us back. We must learn to rely on internal rather than external validation.
The same theme shows up in eastern philosophy. Buddhists emphasize neediness, or ‘clinging’, as the root of all suffering. We tend to think that our current self and situation are not okay, even if all our needs are met. And so we keep working to change them. But external circumstances will always be out of our control—it’s a game we cannot win. And the harder we try, the more of a struggle we create.
so, what about work?
For me, it’s been a helpful practice to think of the when-I-finally mindset as a symptom of neediness, too. Just like it’s destructive to need a girl to like you, it’s destructive to feel like you need to get on top of your tasks. Not just because there will always be more tasks. But also because the beauty in the task disappears if we do it while wishing it was already done.
This gets tricky when our work is something that others rely on. We may feel like we need to get this immigrant family housed because if we don’t, there are real consequences. Or we need to provide special attention to those kids in our classroom ASAP, because they are already behind. Situations like that are a sign that we are doing something meaningful. But even those don’t have to be stressful.
There is a way to help others without needing to help them, and to alleviate problems without feeling like we can only breathe when we alleviate them all. It becomes possible when we develop a sense of self-worth that is independent of our work getting done. Once we learn how to do that, we don’t help the immigrant family because we think we’re a terrible person if we don’t. We do it just to help.
Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki describes it as a “spirit of non-achievement.” He says that “when you do something, just to do it should be your purpose.” Which I interpret as: accept things as they are now so that you can work without wishing they were different. Because that’s when your focus can shift away from yourself, and onto what you’re doing. Once you stop needing, you can start giving. And that might be the real key to fulfilling days.
Not when I finally do good work, I will be enough.
But as I realize that I’m enough, I do good work.
Difficult but worthwhile 💛